From the adoptee’s point of view, we’re going to take a quick peek into the adoption universe, look at it from a personal angle, and understand why we’re talking about it in the first place
So, what’s adoption all about? It’s a beautiful way to grow families, as kids find forever homes and form bonds beyond blood ties. Adoption occurs for various reasons, such as parents being unable to care or choosing a better life for their child.
Life as an Adoptee
Let’s get personal. What’s it like to be on the adoptive side of things? Well, it’s a journey filled with love, discovery, and sometimes, a few questions. As an adoptee, you might have unique experiences, stories, and feelings. Imagine having not just one set of parents, but two, each with a special place in your heart. It’s a bit like having an extended family that spans different backgrounds.
A Personal Journey and Open Dialogues
These are the five most frequent questions I was asked because of my adopted identity.
1. Unraveling the “Real Parents” Conundrum
Adoptees in the pursuit of understanding their origins grapple with the question, “Who are your real parents?” This inquiry, fueled by genuine curiosity but frequently poorly phrased, constantly echoes and elicits emotions ranging from discomfort to introspection.
As a youth, I responded snarkily, employing a defense mechanism against an unarticulated discomfort. “Tom and Kelly are my real parents!” I asserted, emphasizing the legitimacy of my adoptive parents. The inadequacy of the question stems from inadvertently delegitimizing one set of parents over the other. Does “real” refer to biological parentage or the nurturing parents who raised me? The term’s ambiguity necessitates a shift in our approach to this sensitive inquiry.
Rephrasing the Question
To foster a more empathetic dialogue, we must subtly adjust the phrasing. Instead of posing, “Who are your real parents?” consider asking, “Do you have information about your biological parents?” This shift not only acknowledges the adoptee’s unique experience but also demonstrates an understanding of the importance of both sets of parents in shaping one’s identity.
Beyond the “real parents” question, another common inquiry emerged once my adoption was disclosed: “What is your ethnicity?” Interestingly, this question, innocuous for non-adopted individuals, became a poignant exploration of my identity. The journey to answer this question was not without its challenges, as I navigated a path of self-discovery through DNA tests and reconnection with my biological family.
2. Embracing Ethnic Diversity
Far removed from the initial discomfort, discussions about my ethnicity have evolved into a celebration of my diverse heritage. My genealogical pursuits have become a passion, extending beyond personal exploration to creating family trees for friends and encouraging my husband to undergo a DNA test. The adoption experience has not only shaped my identity but has also ignited a fervor for understanding and appreciating cultural diversity.
Reimagining the Question: Why Adoption?
The inquiry, “Why did your mom give you away?” often leaves adoptees grappling with the challenge of correcting a misunderstanding. The term “giveaway” implies a transactional nature, akin to parting with an object, failing to capture the emotional complexity of the adoption process.
3. Nuanced Clarification
A more considerate approach to this question involves reframing it to capture the essence of the birth mother’s sacrifice. Instead of asking, “Why did your mom give you away?” a more accurate inquiry would be, “What led your birth mother to choose adoption?” This subtle shift encourages a more empathetic understanding of the intricate circumstances that surround adoption decisions.
The Complexity of Adoption Timing
The question of when I was adopted reveals the intricate and often convoluted nature of the adoption process. Unlike a straightforward adoption day, my journey involved multiple stages, from my birth mother’s decision during pregnancy to a brief stint in foster care before the official adoption process unfolded.
4. Navigating Adoption Timelines
Answering this question involves acknowledging the multifaceted nature of adoption processes. My birth mother’s decision-making process, the initial foster care period, and the legal adoption proceedings make it challenging to pinpoint a singular adoption day. Instead, I often share key milestones, such as moving in with my adoptive parents at six weeks old and the completion of the legal adoption process around my second birthday.
Adoption Choices: Beyond Blood Relations
As a married individual, a new question emerged in my life: “Are you going to adopt?” This question, often posed with assumptions based on my adoptee status, invites a more nuanced response that delves into the complexity of adoption decisions.
5. Fostering Hope
Contrary to expectations, my response goes beyond a simple yes or no. Acknowledging that adoption is not a universal path, I delve into the intricate journey of becoming a foster parent. Three biological children later, adoption remains a consideration, contingent on life circumstances.
Expressing a willingness to adopt if a foster child needs a permanent home, I debunk common misconceptions about fostering, emphasizing its primary goal of reunification. The intricacies of the foster care system, designed to protect children from challenging circumstances, underscore the need for careful consideration when approaching adoption as a potential outcome.
The Changing Landscape of Adoption Perspectives
The evolution of how society perceives adoption. Imagine the yesteryears, when adoption wasn’t just a straightforward choice for families; it had intricate layers, influenced by historical practices that now appear somewhat peculiar. Back then, adoption wasn’t just about building families; it was woven into traditions and customs that shaped the entire process.
Society’s Say in Adoption
As we progress, we encounter the profound impact of societal attitudes on adoptee experiences. Living in a world where societal norms dictate how adoption is viewed. These collective mindsets significantly influenced the experiences of those who were adopted, creating a unique environment that has gradually shifted over time.
Lights, Camera, Adoption!
Let’s shift our focus to the silver screen—movies, TV shows, and songs. These cultural storytellers actively shape our perspectives. Over time, they have significantly transformed the narratives about adoption. The stories we consume profoundly influence our perception of adoption, providing fresh viewpoints and deepening our understanding of this complex human experience.
The journey of adoption perspectives resembles a captivating movie plot. Historical roots, societal influences, and cultural narratives all actively contribute to the evolving storyline. Adoption, akin to a compelling film, uncovers different angles, challenges assumptions, and brings novel ideas to the forefront. This dynamic evolution of perspectives encourages us to appreciate the intricate layers that actively shaped our understanding of adoption, transforming it into a rich tapestry of experiences and stories.
Embracing Adoption Discourse
In my younger years, adoption questions evoked discomfort, stemming from the closed adoption experience. However, as I’ve matured, entered marriage, and reconnected with my birth family, I’ve become more open to adoption discussions. The journey of answering challenging questions continues, propelled by the wisdom and shared experiences of fellow adoptees.
Engaging in conversations about adoption enriches my life, deepening my understanding of identity and the diverse paths within the adoption landscape. This has become a significant and positive aspect of my journey. The complexities of adoption, from the intricacies of timing to the multifaceted nature of familial choices, highlight the need for thoughtful and considerate inquiries. Navigating these discussions, I gain strength from the collective wisdom of older adoptees. This fosters my ongoing commitment to learning and sharing within the adoption community.
Adoptee’s Journey: A Call to Support
Let’s look back at adoption’s history, from its early complexity to today’s evolving views. Societal attitudes and cultural stories shape this journey. On the silver screen, adoption narratives challenge preconceptions, offering fresh perspectives. Openly discussing adoption fosters understanding, empathy, and growth.
The journey of self-discovery for adoptees isn’t just personal; it’s a shared experience that binds us together. But here’s where you come in! If you’re considering adoption, if you want to support someone on this journey, let’s join hands. At Forever Family, we offer assistance in the adoption process, counseling, and a supportive community. We aim to foster understanding, empathy, and a sense of belonging. Reach out to us; let’s navigate this adventure together, creating more stories of love, acceptance, and forever families.