It is common practice to suggest open adoption to birth parents in an effort to lessen the pain of giving up their child for adoption. While it may provide some comfort, the possibility of maintaining contact and even building a connection with the child does not change the fact that you are no longer the child’s primary caregiver. One of the most significant losses birth parents must deal with is the obvious loss of the parental role that they experience with every visit. Many find that this is their first experience with sadness, which is made worse by the knowledge that they could have contributed more to their child’s upbringing.
Shock and Denial
Usually, shock is the first reaction to the loss, made more intense by the miraculous nature of birthing. The actual birth may be the first time a father or other birth parent has had a physical bond with their child. Emotions of pride and happiness coexist with the sadness that results from choosing to let go.
A wave of deep sadness and pain may come on when the shock wears off. Some birth parents go through a denial phase, downplaying the extent of the separation in an open adoption in an effort to lessen the pain. It becomes consoling to think that the loss is negligible because of the ongoing communication. On the other hand, prolonged denial can result in emotional repression, which can cause phobias, anxiety, irritability, and psychosomatic illnesses. Even though grieving is difficult, healing cannot occur if these feelings are suppressed indefinitely.
Sorrow and Depression
As the first shock wears off, the full impact of the loss becomes evident, leading to feelings of sadness and depression. From interactions with expectant mothers to views of newborns, reminders of the absent child seem to be everywhere. The emotional toll may be increased by birth parents looking through old pictures and letters from the adoptive parents in search of comfort.
The emotional toll of depression can be debilitating; symptoms include lethargy, difficulties focusing, and feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. Grieving becomes even more difficult when social constraints and external expectations are involved. Understanding that depression is a common aspect of grieving and that it requires recognition and appropriate expression is vital.
Anger
Anger is a natural and frequently unanticipated emotion that emerges during the complex grieving process. People can be taken aback by this strong feeling, especially birth parents adjusting to the difficulties of losing a child through adoption. Anger can appear during the grieving process and can be directed at a variety of people or things. It might include sentiments of hatred or irritation toward God, their parents, the birth father, the adoptive parents, or even random people who unintentionally become the focus of this mental anguish.
It becomes crucial, if not vital, to express anger constructively in order to stop it from festering for too long and from causing harm to the person who is feeling it as well as everyone around them. Managing and directing anger effectively begins with acknowledging it as a legitimate and normal component of the grief process. People can explore healthier outlets and coping techniques by first identifying and validating their anger. This promotes emotional well-being and helps to avoid the detrimental effects that untreated and unexpressed anger may have. In the end, managing anger constructively aids in the overall healing overall by enabling people to deal with bereavement with increased resilience and a deeper comprehension of their feelings.
Guilt
Birth parents may experience guilt when they start the healing process, which might show up as “if only” thoughts. Some people second-guess their decision to choose adoption and regret it. Birth parents’ negative self-perceptions are frequently reinforced by societal conventions. It is critical to acknowledge the importance that biological parents can continue to provide for their children even after giving up the parental role.
Acceptance
Acceptance entails identifying one’s role as a birth parent and incorporating the loss into one’s life. It is not about the absence of suffering but about accepting loss as a part of life. In open adoptions, birth parents have to decide with whom they feel comfortable discussing their child’s adoption and give up the parental role completely.
Resolution
The resolution requires first acknowledging the loss and realizing its personal importance. In order to acknowledge the transition from caregiver to birth parent, birth parents must reevaluate their relationship with the child. Develop coping mechanisms for open adoption. Integrate loss into daily life while enduring ongoing sadness.
Conclusion
It is certainly not easy to navigate the difficult mourning landscape that comes with open adoption. Redefining what it means to be a birth parent and letting go of the parental role are prerequisites. The knowledge that we are working to build new relationships with our children and their adoptive parents while also allowing ourselves to feel the grief of separation further exacerbates this process.
Acknowledge and accept the loss fully. Integrate it into daily life. Healing demands recognizing, accepting, and working toward closure. Recognizing the suffering and welcoming the possibility of development and rejuvenation is necessary to redefine our relationship with our children and transition from caretakers to birth parents.
It’s important to remember that there is still hope along this complex path. We will be happy to be able to connect with our children as their birth parents, even though there might still be times when we are grieving. Even if they have changed drastically, these relationships still play a big role in our lives.
Forever Families is a ray of hope for anyone considering adoption. We are here to support birth parents throughout the adoption process because we recognize the special difficulties they encounter. All-inclusive services offer aid, counseling, and emotional support for birth parents navigating complex adoption-related emotions. Get in touch with Forever Families if you or someone you know is thinking about adopting a child or needs assistance. By working together, we can open the door to an adoption process that is kind and well-supported. Our dedication rests in offering the necessary support, ranging from practical aid to counseling, to establish eternal families.